Lets start today with a definition:
Grief : the response to the loss of something deemed important, particularly to the loss of someone or some living thing that has died, wo which a bond or affection was formed.
Grief is sneaky. It can be quiet or is can be loud. It can be hard or it can be soft.
Now, how do we grieve and celebrate Mother's Day consecutively?
How do you tell a mother "Happy Mother's Day when the one that made her a mother is no longer here? How do you suffer through Mother's Day when you've experienced miscarriages or abortions that no one knows about? How do you grieve on a National Holiday?
I don't think there is a blanket answer to these types of questions. I believe the answer for every mother is different and I believe the answer will change throughout the years.
Did you know, the death or loss of a child can be considered the "ultimate tragedy"?
There is a video on Youtube which supports parents who have had to suffered through this pain titled "Out of Order". We have all heard the saying: "no parent should have to bury their child"; however, this happens very often.
Whether a Mother never met the baby (miscarriage/abortion/stillborn) or a mother lost a child through other causes, the pain is unimaginable. With Mother's Day approaching I wanted to send virtual love to women who've lost children.
There is a great article : https://health.choc.org/how-to-cope-with-the-death-of-a-child/
which provides tangible coping strategies for both short term and long term grief.
A few practices that may help a grieving mother on Mother's Day:
Be gentle with yourself. Do not force yourself to "be okay".
Acknowledge the difficulty of the day. (It is no use in ignoring your feelings, they will spill over some other way. Acknowledge them; however, do not sit in the grief because it can be overwhelming.)
Plan an active day. (Go shopping, see a movie, cook your favorite meal, try a new craft, attempt a new physical activity. Running has been exceptional for my mental health; therefore, if you're a runner, hit the pavement. Go for a walk. I am heavy on the healing affects of nature, so get out there!)
Avoid social media. (Scrolling and seeing Mothers celebrating and being celebrated by their children can be extremely hard. I recommend monitoring your usage and how you feel when you're on your socials. If you feel the burden, get out of there and put the phone away.)
Commemorate your child. (If you're ready, post a picture of your child. There is no shame in sharing the love.)
Talk to someone who understands. (Many times we've experienced pain and we know someone else who has also experienced that pain. Think back to when you lost your child, did anyone share with you that they've also experienced the same or similar trauma? Give yourself the courage to reach out to them and allow them to support you in this difficult time.
"Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" -Alfred Lord Tennyson
The pain of celebrating Mother's Day without your child/children can't be put into words.
Please know...
You're not alone. People love you. People see you. People grieve with you!